20 Years Young, Old, Somewhere In-Between?

20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20202020202020!!

Happiest of birthdays to me on this fine day of social distancing, with the smoky atmosphere of California’s yearly “on fire” in the background and a math test to boot!

Oh how my ten year old self, that spunky diva past me, truly thought I would be living in my dream home with my handsome bad-boy boyfriend. I would be drinking a martini (because when I was 10 the age of 20 was like super old and I thought I would have every privilege of adulthood) with my bright red painted nails and surrounded by my very cosmo friends. I most definitely thought I would be famous and very successful, perhaps the worlds youngest doctor or a world famous traveling journalist? At 10 I thought I could be anything..

There were no limits to my younger imagination, as there shouldn’t be any limits to my current imagination. Yet, the world does have a way of bringing the realism to the front door and forcing one to accept that not everything is possible.

Enough cynicism though! Let me staunch that bad habit in this new year of ME!

Happy god damned birthday baby girl. You made it.

After much anticipation here is the story I would like to tell for my twentieth, and I expect all of you to bow down and listen because when I was 10 there was one scenario where I KNEW I would be the Princess of Genovia by 20 and that’s the image I’d like to run with today ;-)

How do you feel after a night out getting black out drunk with your friends, maybe friends you have known your entire life or maybe friends you met out a few weekends ago.. but how do you feel when you wake up and realize you spent the 8th weekend in a row partying while your whole family spends time together watching movies and playing monopoly at home?

How do you feel when you constantly choose one person over another even when you love them both so deeply it hurts, but you just can’t choose the other one because you know the first might reject you and the second will never turn their back on you?

How do you feel when you’ve spent another day watching your favorite show only to realize you missed your homework deadline, your little sister wasn’t invited to her friends group sleepover, and your mom came home from her 9–5 to a messy home and still had to make dinner, do the laundry, clean the kitchen and then break up a fight between you and a brother who is five years your junior?

How do you feel when you let them down? How do you feel when your potential slips away bit by bit? How do you feel when you realize you are 20 and you’ve barely lived?

These hypotheticals are not to inflict guilt or sorrow. They are meant to instigate critical thinking and reflection on where you are in life right now and where you want to be on your next birthday. Reaching 20 isn’t highlighted with the glamour of 21 or the freedom of 18, but it is no less significant. When you answer those questions in your head- does the little voice (or Phil, I call him Phil but please feel free to use your own name) in your head speak to you with joy or sorrow? Do you feel accomplished or worn out, run down and very very small?

Reaching 20 has taught me that life is worth living and being happy AND grateful for the entire journey is way underrated. Over the course of my 20 years, gratitude is indeed the biggest lesson I have learned. Be grateful for every happiness you are privilege too, because it will end. Love yourself, love your family, love your friends and love strangers. Open your heart and don’t take small moments for granted. Have fun but remember yourself and your values. Let others speak, you don’t always have to be the one talking. Be a respectful and dependable employee- you are being relied upon to do a job so do it well. Show your heart and your kindness even when the world tries to teach you to be cold. Missing a few weekends out isn’t a big deal and you may really enjoy the downtime. Everyone around you is going through the same world at a different pace than you, stop making comparisons. Most importantly, wake up grateful for the opportunity to see another sunset, and go watch it, they are truly beautiful.

Good luck to me this next year and to all of you newly 20's!!!

To those who will see, the world waits.